I sit down to write this post with so many thoughts in my head, I’m not sure this is even going to make sense.
The last half year has been the hardest, saddest and most trying time of my entire life. But it has also been the happiest time of my life.
Make sense?
I know it doesn’t seem to make sense, but I am going to attempt to explain it.
Before I explain why it has been the hardest, saddest, most trying time of my life, I want to explain why it’s been the happiest. Kind of like saying, Do you want the good news first or the bad news? I’m picking the good news first.
I have been married for 13 years. I was married young (only 20), had my first child at 21 and life was hard. I won’t lie, it was hard. Of course I was happy to be married and be a mom, but there was so much I had to learn. God had confirmed some things to me so I knew I was on the right track. I just had to hang on and trust Him.
Trusting God seems like such an easy thing to say. A couple months ago I was teaching my 4-6th grade Sunday school class the story of Cain and Abel and about trusting God’s plan for their life. I drew a picture of a heart and then sectioned it off into different areas or “rooms.” I labeled the different “rooms” things such as school, sports, friends, family, play time, etc. I told the kids they couldn’t say to God, “I trust you with my family and friends room, but I won’t let you into my sports room.” They had to trust God with every area of their life. Even if every one of their friends made the basketball team and they were the only one who didn’t, they needed to say, “I trust you, God.” They needed to trust God in every area in order for God to fulfill His plan for their life.
As I was teaching this to my class, I heard a small voice speaking to me. “Are YOU trusting Me with every area of your life? Are you practicing what you’re teaching?” Whoa! Now if that doesn’t stop you dead in your tracks, I don’t know what will!
You see, yes, I was trusting God with certain things, but there were also some very specific things that I was kind of cutting God out of. I was leaning on the side of the world and trying to reason it out in my mind logically of why I should or shouldn’t be doing something. I’ll tell you, that’s not a very good idea. I was allowing God into certain rooms of my life and closing Him off in other rooms.
It was at this point that I took the plunge and said, Okay, God, You’re in charge. I’m trusting You.” My life has taken some of the biggest turns and twists since then. I don’t know for sure, but sometimes I think God is testing me. Maybe. Maybe not. Other times I feel bombarded by the enemy, trying to steal my joy and make me second guess my decision. I won’t lie. I have second guessed whether I am doing the right thing, but I always hear a still, small voice answer me and I know God is with me. How can I second guess God’s plan for my life?!?!
The trials have made this one of the toughest times of my life, but what has made it the happiest time? My God and my marriage, or my husband. Trusting God with your life wholly and completely doesn’t mean you won’t have storms in your life. When you cling to Him during those storms, you will see the blessing in the end. If you jump off the boat too soon (which so many do), you never see the sun shine. I have seen some nasty storms, but I’ve continued to trust God through it all, and I’m seeing the SON shine. Yes, there are still clouds that try to come and I may get off course a bit, but I am always back with God and His plan.
One of the things that has been blessed beyond measure is my marriage. There has been a change in my marriage that I know only God could do. It is the one steadfast thing that has gotten me through these storms. It is why this has been the hardest, saddest time, yet also the happiest time.
There were times when I wanted to jump off the boat. I almost felt like I would be better drowning in the water. But I held on, mostly through tears, sometimes even asking God, Why? Every time I wanted to give up, to quit, walk away, God would whisper two words to me. “Trust Me.” Sometimes I would hear those words and think it meant something specific—usually the way I wanted my life plan to go—and then when things didn’t go that way, I would again question God. He would answer the same, “Trust Me.”
Some days are still hard, but they’re getting better. I am thankful to God for the gift of marriage. It is something so few give up on or never experience the fullness of it. I am thankful that during some of the hardest times of my life, God blessed my marriage. I am thankful He never gave up on me and kept reminding me to trust Him.
Psalm 20:7
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
Psalm 28:7
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Proverbs 3:5
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
John 14:1
1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.
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Part 2: To be continued…..
